Thursday, February 21, 2019

Standing up & speaking out

Hello everyone.
I used to be an author here.
But haven't been active since I got into post-graduation.

I want to tell the story of my journey.

During MBBS the most wonderful thing I ever witnessed was a childbirth with all the gore , the scream, the horridness.
But the moment the child was born my heart would sing " Innocence" by Avril Lavigne

Alas after hours and hours of studying day and night, missing out on life, missing out on religion & social life, missing out on your payed of and I scored a seat.
And I took in OBGY

I chose my hospital, cause I wanted to be near to my home. It was very tempting to pick up other options, but I choose to be in Mumbai , cause I had spent too many years away from home.

The next big question after choosing the hospital is who you get as a guide. My department had a chit system, through which I got allotted my recent guide.
Now being from Mumbai I was aware of the type of person she is, my cousin had worked under her , so I was very well aware of it all.
But my naseeb was a bit too short and I picked her name in the chit. I was devastated.
But I had no option, so I decided to buckle up and just stick with it for the next three years. After all my home was here, I felt falsely assured.

In first year of residency, I was a bystander , silently observing what my seniors went through day and night.
I quietly empathized , sometimes even asking my seniors to just be calm, to not let her affect them this much. That it would pass, that it was okay.

Things weren't that different when I became a year senior.
Every day was a terror, waking up , sleeping at night every minute my guide thoughts would torment me.
She would call late at night, sometimes even 11pm, to know where I was. If I failed to attend she would send my juniors to my room to know where was I.

She judged and demanded that my clothes, my hair , my makeup every thing should be to her standards, sometimes going to the extent of even calling me a kaamwalibai / maid in public.
She would make me sit outside her chambers from 9am to 7pm, just so that I was always available for her vip visitors.
After 7pm she would take me to her home for her entertainment and gossip buddy.
Relieving me late night at 9 /9:30 pm.
I had to rush to see my ward work, only for her to not listen to my informing till late night.

It was an accepted norm to give her gifts, either an esbeda bag or a silk sari , a min budget of 5k and not less. The first thing she saw on the gifts was the price tag.

If I fell short I would be chucked out of the operation theatre.
I had to suck up to her. I had to. I mean she is my guide yes.
I did it all. All that was necessary

But not anymore.

I have worked under teachers who made me a better person, who taught me self respect, who gave me the confidence to stand tall.

But she affected me to an extent , that I felt more like a slave, a slave hungry for cutting and operatives.
I doubted myself, I hated myself, I cried silently.
I stopped buying new clothes and being myself.
It was a common norm within my seniors to not take bath and change clothes, so she wouldnt take us out to her conferences to hold her purse, I followed too for a time being.

I have a raised a voice now. I just want to be heard.
To all the medicos , there will be times when you think that it is okay to compromise , that it is a profession where you need to dance around your seniors.
No one deserves to be treated this way.

Have pride in what you are.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Sakkan

    I can understand your feelings and situation.

    Great things need Great Sacrifices.

    Just turn back and recollect your own words which gave courage to your Seniors and they survived.

    You bring creator of those positive vibe in them,
    You can withstand more than what they have gone through.

    All I can say is
    You are stronger than you think you are.

    Cheers t the future life.

    Always available for help.

    Take care Sakkan.


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