Monday, April 24, 2017

Medicowesome secret project: Let's talk about finding love

What is the "Let's talk" project? How can I talk about mental illnesses?

First love is a wonderful emotion. I had the chance to know of it when I was in my 9th grade.
Also I lost that same person in a train accident. So I am here to tell you my story of how I dealt with it all. I have had 10 years to get over my story is more of an analysis of what happened.

The initial two years after the accident I had anxiety. Even my father coming late to the house would give me palpitations, unless a person I was talking to me said goodnight I couldn't sleep. I never told anyone about this, not even my parents, cause I was too young and scared to realise what was happening to me. My time went by in going to junior and senior college and getting lost in the crowd. I wanted to talk to people..but all friends who knew about it felt pity towards me..all I wanted was someone to listen without those sorry eyes.

I remember this one time I was home alone and it all came crashing was like thousands of needles pricking my was even hard to breathe. How I survived Allah knows. Religion was my only solace, that there is someone who knew what was happening to me.

I did date afterwards.. But it was empty commitments. I feared being touched emotionally, I feared loosing someone again, I was possessive and I was always jealous. I wanted attention, I wanted to be cured..but I didn't know how? How should I demand this? Who should I demand it from?

After entering MBBS.. I devoted myself to studies..god knows I needed the distraction..I needed the stress of exams every fortnightly so I could loose myself. I thought by this time I had dealt with all my demons..but I was wrong.

Years went by. Finally I got engaged. The guy was an idiot.
Now the me at that time thought she could compromise with anything, she didn't respect and love herself the way she deserved. She was okay with a mediocre life, a mediocre spouse as long as it was in her comfort long as people didn't demand much from her.

Now as I said the guy was an idiot.  I really am grateful that i was engaged to him..cause I realised that this is way too much of compromise I am making..that can I settle with this much fora lifetime? Have I got so much less to offer to this man that I am being treated this way.
It was a drastic 180 degree check on my thought process..i decided that I deserve better...that I want to be loved..that I deserve it..and I am not settling for anything less.
And I ended the engagement.

My current thought for what happened 10 yrs back is I am glad I fell in love once..I hope to do again.
Anyone reading this..I request you to talk to your family and your close friends about your heart troubles. Reach out and don't stop trying. And to the girls..don't settle for anything are and you deserve the best. If the guy doesn't treat you right..screw him..half of the world's population is men..lots of hope :D

Written by Anonymous

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